To Care, to Carry, and to Co-Survive
Navigating the Grief, Gratitude, and the Weight of Showing Up
FORWARD:
I was holding onto this article, something that I wrote when I was struggling with being “enough” when my grandmother was in the hospital. I thought that my first “real” piece on Substack would be about positivity - an adventure or a unique POV from a derailing experience. But I proceed with being a Co-Survivor because of the latest episode of IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson, “Caregivers Need to Care for Themselves with Seth and Lauren Rogan.”
Michelle spoke about how caregiving is a labor of love, but also a labor that requires self-preservation. She and Craig reflected on their father’s life with multiple sclerosis and how the act of caregiving is often accompanied by guilt. The mind constantly wondering if we are doing enough, being enough. Their conversation reminded me that survival is not just about the person enduring the hardship, but also about those who support them - the co-survivors.
For those who are going through it, for those who resonate with the topicality of grief, co-surviving, or simply surviving - I hope this gives you the mechanisms to go through it with grace.
Thank you for being here, thank you for holding space for yourself.
My favorite photo of my Grandmother - radiant among the bloom, hiding from (for my Ali Wong fans) her worst enemy, the Sun.
Days like this are hard. I get a sinking feeling when I sit in hospitals - in a sanctuary filled with angels and healing - sometimes we cannot help but feel struck with grief. I am sitting in the SICU with my grandmother, I’m trying to hold onto the things that bring me joy cracking jokes with the nurses, jeering in song with the hospital team - but in my head is a spiral of negative self talk. Questions of my ability to hold space, to truly be there - am I enough?
Words Unspoken: The Guilt of Being a Co-Survivor
Early in my training to become a crisis counselor and advocate for DV and SA survivors - we learned about the importance of supporting the co-survivor. “Co-survivor” is defined as someone who provides support to a survivor of abuse, violence, or harm, or to someone who is battling an illness. A huge part of managing the overall care of our survivors is to also ensure the wellbeing of their support system.
However, the definition doesn’t encompass the complexity of emotions, pain and guilt that can come from holding space for others without the toolkit to hold space for yourself. For me, the biggest battle is overcoming the guilt of self. Prolonged periods of caregiving in silence - can often lead to self reflective, dare I say, self-abusive, thoughts:
Am I holding enough space for the survivor?
I do not matter. My boundaries do not matter - the survivor’s experiences and feelings are above my own - their suffering is tangible - their needs, desires, wants trumps that of my own mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing.
How much is ego and desire weighing in on my ability to be conscious and present?
The Toolkit: You Both Will Get Through This
In these moments of self doubt and self-deprecation, I always try to root myself in what I do know. For my fellow co-survivors out there, for those who may have struggled, for those who will inevitably hold space for others - you are strong, you are brave, you are capable. Let’s get through this with grace:
Honor Your Boundaries: You cannot support others if you cannot show up for yourself. Give yourself grace. Take the day, take the afternoon. Fill your day with things that bring you joy and fulfill your purpose.
Support in Vulnerability: Be open and honest about how you feel and what you need. Let others support you. Whether it’s a support group, loved ones holding space for you, or a community that understands - you are not alone.
Ask for Help Without Guilt: Many co-survivors struggle with asking for help, fearing it makes them weak or burdensome. But help is not a one-way street; just as you show up for others, allow others to show up for you. Whether it is delegating tasks, seeking professional guidance, or simply expressing when you need a break - reaching out is an act of strength, not weakness.
Let Go in a Moment of Gratitude: The weight of responsibility can be heavy, but in a single breath, you can shift. Letting go does not mean forgetting or giving up, it means allowing yourself to move through what you must in the present moment. Hold space for your grief, your exhaustion, your pain - but do not let it anchor you. When we allow ourselves to let go, even momentarily, we increase our ability to show up for ourselves and for others with love, compassion, and clarity.
Joy and silliness on Grandma's 88th birthday, one week before the fall
Toolkit in Practice - Support in Vulnerability
I am overwhelmed - endless beeping, heart rates at different speeds, cacophony of smells - sensory overload overtaken by the numbness of the mind. My grandma was moved out of the SICU into a shared floor. Gratitude in knowing we were close to the end, overwhelmed by the chaos of everyone wanting peace.
In that spiral, my mom, Tina, came to assume her overnight shift and relieved me. Mothers have a knowing sense when something is off - and she nudged me into the waiting room. In a moment of vulnerability - I shared the unspoken words of a co-survivor and expressed my feelings of inadequacy, of guilt, of not being good enough to show up - and even worse, in knowing that I could show up “better” if this were Grandpa - who had passed five years prior. The exaggerated lines on her forehead informed by her show of active listening fell.
Tina echoed my experience and understood the guilt that I felt - because in many ways, those waves of emotions she felt too. She had been rotating in and out of the hospital for two weeks between her and four siblings. In our openness, we were able to hold space for each other, validate each others experiences, and gave each other the ability to let go, knowing that this moment - the support we give - the lessons we learned are sacred.
Left: My Grandparents at their wedding. Is it just me or did everyone look way more elegant back in the day? Right Photo: My Grandfather, the original Danny Zuko.
Sacredness of Life
In an interview with Guy Raz, after the Charlottesville shooting, Eugene Peterson offered this wisdom to survivors and their communities: “… the affirmation of the sacredness of life.”
This sentiment resonates deeply with one of my favorite poems by Khalil Gibran, On Joy and Sorrow:
“The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter’s oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.”
Grief and joy are not separate—they exist within the same well. Each moment of sorrow deepens our capacity for joy. The weight of caregiving, of co-surviving, is profound, but it is also sacred.
So to you - dear survivor, dear co-survivor, dear loved one - you are in life’s flow - and in this moment of grief, remember the preciousness of life. For in these moments, we remember the joy. For in these moments, we move forth with love - knowing the sacredness of life in our hearts.
As a community, we are with you - we are here - you are not alone,
Tiffany Tang
Survivor & Co-Survivor
Certified Crisis Counselor
Founder, DrinkFolks
